The Issue of Consent
Consent is a hot topic at the moment in the news. It’s a topic Z.K.S. and I both agree about--consent isn’t a given. Z.K.S. has her own stories about not having her consent respected, those are hers to tell. I recently had an experience where my consent was ignored. This past Monday, on the way back from volunteering, I was riding the light rail towards the stop I park at and a man asked to sit next to me. I agreed, as the train was filling up. As he sat next to me, he complimented my looks and asked for my name. That was the extent of our conversation. At one point he leaned over and kissed my shoulder. Since I was not expecting the action, I said no thank you. Several minutes, later he called me baby and kissed my shoulder again. I said no three more times before getting up and moving before I did something in anger.
Consent would be saying yes. I said no. Some people believe it is ok to ignore the no as a subversion of consent. I find this infuriating. If a person says no then they mean it. It’s not playing hard to get or a game to get someone to say yes. It means stop what you’re doing, I don’t give you consent to continue. Ignoring someone isn’t an invitation for signaling interest, it’s a signal for leave me alone or I’m not interested. Consent isn’t something to take for granted at anytime. Consent that is taken is not consent.
What’s shocking is one of the hot tropes in the Romance and Erotica genres is taking consent for granted or just plain taking it regardless of a person’s right to say no. The actions of the individuals are supposed to be loving. I don’t see how anyone taking consent away from another person is loving. I read things of that nature as abuse, which it is. Calling abuse love is repulsive. A true romaic relationship is built of trust, care, and communication, not taking someone else’s consent away from them.
In Demons Among Us, this topic comes out with Bryce and Cat often. When Bryce first meets Cat, he asks her for a one night stand, which she says no to. He doesn’t press the issue, although he does ask later. On their second meeting, he asks again and this time she says yes, with her own caveats. In their encounter, with one another there are several check-ins with each other to see if the other person still wants to continue. I find this an important aspect of the characters because neither takes the other’s consent for granted.
The consent issue is part of our culture and all of us need to be aware of how we work with the topic. Author’s need to be attentive, to how they write Romance and Erotica. We can change from a society that views a lack of consent ok, to one that is responsive to the need for consent. We can do better and treat others with respect. Let’s do something different.
